Queen

2010-06-13T04:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary! :DDDD
It's been awhile! Finally the school holiday is starting! 2 weeks.
MuHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAA........
There are lots of things that went through my mind...
I read up on many things.
What i want to talk about most importantly, is the new person i met.
When i first met her, i thought she's a weirdo.
Like those kind of freak that looks at people weirdly, talks with people weirdly.
But somehow on that day she enlightened me.
As days move on while smsing her, she sound perfectly alright.
But when i meet up again, it was strange.. really strange.......
She kept asking... why do i look so miserable? Why do i sound so miserable? when i am not, and shes the one feeling it. So i told her no, i am happy..
5 seconds later the trend will repeat. and seriously.... it sucks.
It painful and it leaves me into adversity into considering to break up e friendship.
Sometimes it drives me crazy too.
Because she doesn't believe in friendship...

HAHA. well it's okay! i should be feeling blessed every single day!!!!
Everyday i'v gain knowledge, wisdom, happiness.
AHAHAHA.... how good can it go? ^^

2010-06-07T06:46:00.000-07:00

These few days... i had been reading on some really inspirating books...
Somehow,i stumble upon them because.... i was feeling a lil.. *poked* by some1.

There are some things that happened to me today...
FIRST... as i was e first for both oral.. so... i had to stay to complete them..
After i completed and went back to class... it was empty...
So, i went to search of my oral book, in need for improvment..
And settled a while... i was thinking.. hey it look so empty, gives me a lonely feeling, but it is a good environment to study..
And suddenly 3 guys came in...
one commented *That one loner la*
I knew it was a verbal abuse... but i wasn't really that angry at what was being commented...
I was taking it as a feedback... like hey... maybe i need to go to somewhere else that has more ppl... and i was thinking... where have they gone to?
Then... i decided that... shortly i went to e library.
And i went to find a sit... there are few of them inside...
so i wanted to focus on building up my oral... as i didnt do well... and then i was feeling...weird.
Someone is giving out the aura... someone is sensing i am alone... Immediately i knew who...
So i switched to another location... which made me feel more welcomed...and i stayed till they came.
They actually didn't knew what had happened... they can't see it from my expression of course..
While i was telling them somethings which is really interesting and joyous things that has happened for the past few days...
One was listening quite patiently...
The other only listened until i finished talking and immediately change the topic, turn to e other person and talk to her what she wants to say...
And thats what i called.. insincere listening...
I texted my bestie...
she replied one... and then perhaps she was busy...

oh yeah... i remembered... my bestie actually... confessed to me about a lie..
I was hurt at first, of course. But eventually i felt that it was insignificant to feel hurt..
I dont allow such things to destroy such a great friendship... and i forgave her...
I feel a lil stuck when she doesnt reply my msg..
But she would call me and tell me why... she wouldnt ignore me and forget it..like how the others do... for that... i really appreciate it with my heart..

And i thought about all these things...
I was thinking that... hey i'm not that lonely the moment i saw someone only had a dog for companion...
no family, friends, relatives...
But i have.
The world simply dont allow me to be lonely or alone.. because there are so many creatures living around us..

I really enjoyed the moments with my family now! and of course. i celebrate my lil improvement deep in my heart. i feel happy of my success, i feel happy that i overcame things which i feared a lot last time.

There's this funny thing that happened... i was asked to buy KFC....
Then when i was ordering... the crew suddenly say, hEy, that guy wants your no. !
I was like. huh? who? lol then she point to a guy, working as KFC crew cleaning some things, back facing me.
and i was like... errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr????!?!?!?!?
i'm here to buy KFC... lol
okay.... then i didnt want to give. lol
*rejected* :DDDD
This proves to me so much! The no. of people around me don't matter..
It not about how long i spent being with the person..
Its e sincerity... understanding...
I really cannot stand it when ppl don't understand you...
It simply.. sucks!

I feel blessed, because im able to find sources to redeem myself from all the pain!
I'm on my way, learning to be strong. and i believe one day i will make myself a better person!

2010-05-29T05:38:00.000-07:00

Hello :D
I shall state down a great friend's text of mine! (:

As you carry on with the great journey of your life, NEVER fear.
Draw out the sword of bravery that lies within your heart, and fight against your fears and
obstacles that may come. Rememeber, no obstacle is too big, No danger is too great. Believe you are to triumph over difficulties and lead a victorious life, You Will. Great heros falls, and get back on their feet again. And i believe you are one of THEM!

You will excel in life. I have bottomless well of faith in you!

I wonder where did this luck came from?
It walk towards me, directly. It's like an opportunity hugged me tight and couldn't let me go.
I am so fortunate to know this person, always shine her light to me, never reject me at all, and cheered me up at the worst period of my life. I met her when i really decided to do something that i cannot turn back in my life if i do it. Something really serious, and depressing.
And here it was, someone who understands me totally. Someone who was a stranger 1minute ago, became my best friend... and its really the BEST. If she's second, no one could be first...
On that day... i spoke to many friends.. really great friends of mine...
But none of them could see my expression.. because i wasn't with them..
I merely texted them...
But i can't get any solution to my problem...
And....
yeah... she came..
My life turn around from then.
We are so alike... i couldn't believe it... that we experience almost the same thing! we hate the same type of people! We like the kind of life with our expectations... and... yeah...
Wherever i am... i would often think about her...
the things she said, the 24/7 friend who would always be there for me..
No one... can really take over her place..
No boyfriend... would be so encouraging... so special.
I thought my world was really falling...
until that day...
It's a gift. and i should cherish it.

i have some awesome stories that i want to share...
Ever since that day, my view's of them changed.
I came to understand that some things, some people do care.
I thought what they did was so mean, so hurtful.
I would never have thought that they actually didn't mean it.
One pointer is that. we must be positive towards things..
we must believe. we must make a difference in life.
We must be aware.

I always have this silly thought in my mind.
Why am i so afraid?
One day this suddenly came to my mind.
Aren't you are sick of tired of FEAR FEAR FEAR.
and it really woke me up.
I was stunned by my own thought.
It was like scolding myself inside.
And i became to ponder.
Hey, why must i believe it what other say, what dont i have my own stand?
Why must i be a fool? to believe and to be scared of so many things that are unreal?
Why ?
Then i became to remove all my fears in life. ghost, darkness, people. whatever.
Now, my thinking has went up to another level.
I may look the same as a 16 year old teenager... but i think differently. (:
Sometimes i feel that i have a mind of 60 year old grandma...
because what they speak is exactly how i feel like.
Weird uh?

some day, i believe that what i hate or dislike now, would turn into something pleasant.
Though life in swiss, gave me lots lots lots of horror scenes.
I didnt actually liked it a lot but i learnt a lot of things.
I started off... not even knowing what the meaning of *diao* is.
Slowly... rumours spread. all the years has been revolving in my teenage life is Stare.stare.stare,
somethings which i find it ridiculous.
Though many people told me to ignore it, i can't possibly stand a day facing so many question marks in my mind.
and i realise. this time was different. in secondary school , no one stands up for you.
you are just being bullied bullied bullied. end of story, a sucker life. loser.
There are things i learnt .... like... friends are actually tools.. or items meant for you to use..
friends just dump you away... spitefully use you for accompany and when you are of no use.
*bye Bye* shoo
I also found my passion, i learnt confidence. --band.
But i lose it myself, my stupidity

while all these flashbacks of life came to me, it all seem normal now. Perhaps this was the reality.
If someone were to say i stare at him or her now, i believe i would handle it well enough.
If someone were to just make use or insult me i would not hesitate to leave the person.
If someone were to be jealous of me i would just laugh at the person.
If someone were to be bullied i believe i will stand up for the person if he/she is my friend.
If someone were to be going through the same thing as me i would advice the person and influence he/she positively.

And this is the new Me. that learnt many many many things.
After all, we only have 1 life.
Why must we focus on the useless things, why must we be focus on other ppl's weakness and laugh at the person? why can't we focus on ourselves and strive for the better?
in life, we must live to the fulless.
we must be happy, and happiness comes from within (:
We must always look at the brighter side of life.

I once failed all my subjects during my secondary 3 year.
It was so badly done that i get into so many troubles in my life.
No one was by my side. i stood there facing with the consequences all by myself.
I had a friend who really need my support at that time i wasn't been able to gave her that.
I felt so remorseful at the way other ppl mocked her.
Because i could be there for her.
But i wasted this opportunity away. I threw my hard work down to the drain
I lost everything in my life.
Friends. Family. Results. Passion.
Perhaps i was a freak in class. because i was just so down
and i only had one thing. This one thing.
Who only gave me 1 week of happiness. I found out something.. and i dumped the person.

so i began to change, because this was the only way, i can get my passion back..
Though i wasn't that optimistic at the point of time. Often i gave up.
Because i didnt liked school without music.
i thought music was my life. often i wonder why i study for.
One day. I overheard an adam khoo speech.
i started listening... to what this person was saying..
He was making so much sense... that i replayed his speech over and over again in my MP3 player.
Then i began to know he is a millionaire and also a motivational speaker.
He failed his subs and was in NT stream... and he held positive attitude.
and also a goal in his life. thus he was successful
His words like, if i can why can't you?
I am gifted so are you really inspired me a lot.
I began to change! to work hard and i started planning my day, my goals my life.
I aimed to achieve N level results below 10pts.
And i hit directly on 10 pts though. bUt im really proud of myself.
Because from 7 failing subjects i could change it to 7 almost distinctions subs.
Its just a matter of believing. isn't it?
I can so can you.

I believe, and i achieved!
I hope others would be like me, uncover all their life hidden lock to their success and achieve!

2010-05-27T08:19:00.000-07:00

ahhh, perhaps today i'm kinda... happy?
It's like a celebration of the effort put in last year... anyway... hmmm..
I'm thinking about a dream, it's like a half awake dream.
I saw someone i knew, some one who liked me before, and we'r like living life together.
But not exactly couples, just great friends.
Seriously, i'm confused. i don't like the person but i do feel smth.
i believe its just mixed feelings, i can still survive on my own.. but...
haix, i wish u could be better...
4 more days to O levels... im really feeling tired, but i struggle on.
everyday... i would study.. maybe say 8am... to 8pm..but exam times..
I'm staying all the way till 1am or even longer...
i dont want to waste the chance.
Do it once and do it well.

2010-05-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

Hello! it's 23may alr! 8 more days to chinese 'O' levels.
I'm preparing as much as i could! Digging for old stuffs as well as prac prac prac! hahaha.
Well, its weird. But i really enjoy studying! It feels great failing and doing well!
The key is never give up. KEY is AWARENESS~~
I dug up my chinese notes from sec1 all the way to sec 5
And i found some things really interesting.
Esp. the one on Romance. i can't believe i actually wrote this.
Mei li de yue liang ba wo men de xin gei bang zhu le.

lol. teacher wrote a WA! for this phrase. haha, and i can't stop laughing when i saw this.
hahaahahas!
Today's music lesson! ... ... No lesson next week!!! reminder for myself.
oh ya. YTD i ate seoul garden... muhahahaha.
Grandma always look so cheerful! hahaha, i feel happy seeing her!
oh, yeah. She strike lottery on the same night. hahaha. Double happiness.
Third prize and first prize!

i guess it's ytd, i breakthrough! i manage to solve a side of a rubic cube!
Though its like.. you know some ppl can solve all, but i did it w/o using ans sheet.
and.. it's all about using the brain and T.H.I.N.K. hahhaha! i'm so proud of myself!

Now now now... i'm feeling so alone. mum dad sis sleeping.
Bro in army. The night is so silent. Feel like talking to someone.. but i don't know how to start.
Don't even feel like picking up the phone and type sms. Just feeling kinda moody. thinking about so. so . so many things.. ! some dislikes and likes... and.. ya. (:

well! guess i would end here! good night!

2010-05-05T03:52:00.000-07:00

yay. HI, i'm home early today. (: my early is 6pm+++
I actually thought of going to e old folks home to help out this afternoon, but thought again, hmmm, am i allowed to go in in the first place...? ahh.?
you know, it is through helping others... understanding that allows you to transform your negative thoughts to positive ones.
i really must thank her. ahhhh..
perhaps no one will actually believe that my parents arent e result kind.../
maybe my dad is... but he actually scolded me... somehow dont believe i actually study.
But i told myself i am doing it for myself... not anyone else..
because it MY life. i control it. (: take charge of it. Live it well.

whenever i'm unhappy... perhaps it might be work load, relationship or family problems....
i would think of helping others! because this is the way to calm me down and also let me think positively. CHERISH.
no matter how well-off one family is, there would be fictions.
And we must deal with this fiction carefully..
Got a problem? Fix it.
if something is really bothering, do something that is relaxing! hahaha...
always remember, tomorrow is a brighter, colourful day!
let bygones be bygones, its over!

2010-04-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

29april 2010. English prelims.
28april 2010. Chinese prelims.
Sometimes, a optimistic way of viewing failure is to tell yourself you have done well.
Even the micheal jackson song Heal the World states if you really have try, you'll find there's no need to cry.
Recently, i;m kind of into some really great jokes. Annoying orange.you can view it on youtube... yup. its kind of, hilarious.
Well something has been bothering me, its the same old person... always the same person...
But whats different now is that i hold on to a different attitude in viewing things.
I find myself in agony not being able to understand whats the problem.
But now i do.
Though i don't really know how to deal with it...
But i'll just be myself. not letting anything negative influence affect me.
I will not be affected.
yup yup.... i find myself improving... a lot.
Other's people unfortune has taught me smth- that i must value life because it is fragile.
And i told myself i must do 1 meaningful thing everyday.
i started off by extending kindness an concern for others...
In this society, i know that not many people is as fortunate as me,
i saw this particular old man selling tissues for weeks at woodlands for hours...
and 1 day after listening to a really meaningful talk, i went to the old man and bought some of the tissues.
spent around 2dollars ++
it's like my 1 cup of bubble tea. But to them perhaps its a package of rice?
I didn't really mind spending this money.
the old man repeadly thank me for that.. because he knows i want to help, he was grateful,
and i felt that i have really done something meaningful that day.
I have made a difference in some one's life. i have been sending out positive radar, and i feel happy too. caring for others.
One of the topic that the inspiring talks did mention was balancing life.
When you have a problem fix it,
When you stop giving , you will stop receiving.
and this really enlightens me...
answer the question in my head that had been there for a while..
it also mention that jealousy is a wall that has to be destroyed.
yup yup... life is ever moving....!!

2010-04-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

Hello (: Dear diary!
Today's 23April, friday.
wow, time flies fast enough, I last blogged on maybe.... last year?
Hahaha, alrights... let me sum up what had happened... so far...
Life's like a rollar coaster, a weighing scale.
It always balance. So what do i mean by that?
When one part of your life is empty, the other part will be filled.

For the past few months, i had been working like a dog, working off my ass to get the results that i want, to improve my self and to be the BEST. Almost everyday i will go to woodlands library to study until 9pm, regardless of having the company of friends or myself. i always try, never give up. If i know that i'm weak in something, i will find ways to improve it. I began to understand myself more. I find myself sometimes behaving like an introvert, and now i'm looking for solutions to change my behaviour. At times i find myself being tempermental with certain people and i do change my attitude too.

I earned a lost friend, i lost another friend, i try to catch up with all the great friends that don't really have the time to talk to me. And i started to wonder why.
Why does all my friends, seem so distant?
Why does someone who treat me as a friend could hate me so suddenly?
Why do i shiver even before i'm up there talking?
Why am i so tired, so weak, or so useless, can't even wake up on time?
Why can't anyone understand that i need them at the moment they were about to go?

I begin to understand more things... that i have to live my life as my own, not for others, not even family,friends or boyfriend, it's for myself. I learnt to love certain people, bless certain people and pray for certain people. But sometimes i really don't understand certain things, or i just have the feeling that my parents will dislike it if i do certain things. I was held back by fear.
i felt like a weakling at times... there are moments which i really wished i was dead instead, but i was too gutless to even kill myself. i was thinking of self-mutating, but i didn't before i had a funny thought in my mind 'hey my skin is so beautiful why destroy it?' hahahs. But that thought didn't really cheered me up as much i thought it would be.

i found myself skipping school and being late to school more often. and that often antagonise my parents at times. i find them feeling disdain towards me-or more towards my attitude because they feel that it is unacceptable. When they pour so many negative comments at me i couldn't manage it well and ended up with overflowing tears. which actually disrupts my study mood for that day. Perhaps i couldn't help feeling worse, when i'm learning to be better.

There are a lot of things going through in my head now, its quite textful for me to list everything out though... i'll just end here (: